Have you ever had the distinct pleasure of being called a terrible name or called out on something that was super untrue and then could say ‘No way, you’re wrong. Fuck you for wasting your mean efforts!’ I have one special moment which didn’t quite work out that way, but it's still amazing. Cozy around the Maria is going to talk about more of her awesome childhood exploits fire. Brrr, bitches, brrr.
So I went to school in the most idyllic suburb in Michigan – Royal Oak. ICP 4 LYFE! JUGGALO! You know this. Maybe you skipped my one other entry. Maybe you’re not reading it because only my one friend / namesake reads this to my limited knowledge. I was a total tomboy – still am – and would try and bro down with all the boys at school. I played soccer at recess with them even though they made me a perma-goalie (thanks, fuckers. I got real good, didn't I?!), would kick them in the nuts to let them know I had crushes on them and made fun of all the girls, too, probably because I’m also a perma-asshole. Soooo, yeah. I was pretty dudely. Exciting.
I would walk to and from elementary school every day with some other kids in tow. I have a good going to school story, but this isn’t the time. It will someday be the place. My best friend / boyfriend / I love you long time pal, Phillip, and I would usually walk home from school together in both 1st and 2nd grade. (I found out he married his junior high sweetheart – I moved in 3rd back to MN - that could have been me. Dammit. He’s a total dreamboat and could beat up 5th graders no problem. drool drool drool) His mom babysat me and it worked out nicely because he had a huge library of Nintendo games and we only had to fend off his little brother every afternoon to have the whole set up to ourselves. He could obviously beat up his brother, too. What a righteous badass.
So one day we’re walking home and we’re about a block and some change from Phillip’s house on Lockwood (Phillip, if you ever read this – fat chance – know that I totally love you and will drop more stories about you on here. So come back often. Cyber call me? You’ll never read this. :{ ) when all of a sudden we hear some kids calling us names from a couple houses down. They were actually yelling at just me. And they were calling me a chink.
Okay, rewind. My name starts with Maria and ends with something that rhymes with Momez. Hard, right? I am not fucking Asian. I could be Filipino I guess, but I’m fucking not. What I love about kids is that they’re fucking stupid AND impressionable. So since I looked real different in a real white town, I must be that thing that their daddy calls the baseball / basketball / football / ping pong? players. So I was a chink for a day.
The two kids were Andy and Chris. Andy had red hair, which under any other circumstances would be grounds for me to horizontally maul his boyhood, and Chris was a blonde dude. So they get all close to Phillip and I and look to have a fight. Kids don’t fight anymore – WHY!?!?! It’s awesome!!!!! So Phillip turns to me and is like ‘Run home and tell my mom I’m in a fight. She’ll drive over here and break it up and that’ll give you time to get away’. This isn’t verbatim…obviously I can’t quite remember it, but it was damn close. Do you now see why I want on this guy 20 years later!?
So I ran, the whole block or so, sprinting. And I’m not a runner, but hauled ass to get there. I get to his house and his mom is in the bathroom. Like maybe showering or something. She’s taking a while. And I’m trying to be polite so I don’t knock on the door despite the urgent matter happening minutes away at the neighborhood park. All of a sudden I get really distracted and realize I have beaten both Phillip and his brother, Drew, home and the Nintendo is free. It’s calling me: ‘Hey, chink! Yeah, you, Maria Momez. Come hit ‘power’ and I’ma take you on a journey, girl.’ So I sit down thinking that I have to wait for Phillip’s mom anyway and start chilling out, playing Excitebike (I do a great Excitebike impersonation, really!). I must have played it through once or twice. Maybe even customized a level and played it. I was like in an 8-bit time suck vortex. I remember like it was yesterday: I’m sitting Indian style (yes) on the ground and then slowly look to my right since something ominous and pissed off seems to be laboriously breathing from that direction. Shit, it was Phillip.
He’s got a black eye forming real nicely around one eye and his nose has been bleeding long enough that it’s started to crust over.
All he said – and I DO remember this word for word (because it's shorter) – was ‘Where were you?’
Holy shit. Totally epic. So my parents obviously caught wind of this and demanded that Andy and Chris come over and apologize to me for harassing me and calling me the wrong fucking racial slur. They came over one evening with each of their dads and were forced to say they were sorry in my living room while my dad definitely wasn’t making stir fry or egg rolls. My mom then prompted me to accept, which I declined and ran off into my room leaving my mom to explain why her daughter was such an ungrateful dick. Moral of the story: Duuuude fuck those two!
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